Sunday, June 5, 2011

I'm still here.

I bet most of you thought I'd given up on this blog thing, huh? And by most of you I mean the two people that know about and visit this blog.

In truth, for a while the only thing I wanted to talk about was the fact that I was pregnant... but we weren't telling anyone yet. We were so incredibly excited and I was so thrilled to be pregnant. Then we started telling people and it was finals time in nursing school. I was so proud of myself for managing to do well on my finals while getting eight hours of sleep a night and surviving on only one cup of coffee a day (unheard of in my previous "finals week" experiences).

And then... well, I've typed and erased this sentence about six different times because there's just not a good or easy way to say it.

Then we found out that our baby had died. We went in for our appointment and didn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler so the doctor took us to the sonogram room. As soon as I saw the picture I knew what had happened. Where we once had seen a flashing, beating little heart there was a still, lifeless, perfectly-shaped little baby.

I won't go into much detail about the painful days that followed, but I ended up having to have a D&C because my body wasn't recognizing the miscarriage. Brandon was so strong for me and my parents were able to come up and stay with us. It meant so much to be surrounded by family and friends that loved us and that were praying for us.

Most of all we felt the peace and the presence of the Lord. I know that I've said that to many people, but I can't really explain it otherwise. These past few weeks have been the most painful and devastating weeks I've ever been through, but I've also never felt the comfort of the Lord in such a real and powerful way. Yes, we are so, so sad and it has been so difficult, but we have hope because we trust in the Lord and we know that above all else, He LOVES us. He loves us and He has the perfect plan for us. We are resting in that truth now. It's not easy and it doesn't necessarily lessen the heartbreak, but it does provide a peace that I know so many others do not have.

I hurt for people that are going through the same thing that do not know the love of our Father. I can't imagine going through this and not being assured of God's sovereignty.

I don't want this to become a sad blog, but I will be talking about my experience. Writing is therapeutic. There is so much that I want to say that I don't feel like I can say... but this is my blog so I can say what I want :).

Oh, another thing I will be talking about is my summer internship. In the NICU. That's the neonatal intensive care unit, if you didn't know.

That's right. I did not request it, but I will be spending my summer taking care of tiny little babies.

I know there is a reason that I'm in the NICU. I think God is using it to teach me that my pain, while it is real, is so much less than what some other families are going through. I can only hope that going through what I've gone through these last couple of weeks will better equip me to share the love and comfort that I know only comes from the Father with the families I come in contact with. Please pray for me, if you think about it. I know its not going to be an easy internship (I've already had to assist with taking a little baby born at 27 weeks off of life support) but I know that, as always, God is in control and I am there for a reason.


  1. i am so heart broken for you. I am so so very sorry. this precious little life will not be forgotten.